After abruptly quitting my job during a psychedelic comedown, I came across a Craigslist post from an anonymous company. They were looking for chatty people who love comedy and pop culture. It sounded like a great fit for me, so I went ahead and applied.
The company ended up being TMZ, one of the biggest entertainment news outlets. During the interview I gossiped about Vanderpump Rules and Real Housewives, which impressed them, so they offered me a job.
So just to recap, I heard about Robin Williams death through a TMZ report while tripping on mushrooms. It inspired me to go after my goal of being on TV, so I applied to a random Craiglist job post for an unidentifiable company, which got me on the show TMZ. It felt weirdly full circle. What a fucking trip.
Since an early age I intuitively felt like I was supposed to be in the public eye. It was never necessarily a goal or desire to be straight up famous. Recognition can lead towards money, success, popularity, support, ego boosts, and opportunities…but there’s always a catch.
Sacrificing safety and privacy is usually the cost of fame. It seems to leave most people feeling empty and broken. For some reason I still wanted to put myself out there, despite all my anxious introverted tendencies, and all the potential downsides. Something about that lifestyle looked exhilarating.
Passionate people inspire me to embark on all sorts of creative adventures. There are undeniable powers that come from confidence, talent, and having a platform.
I loved being on TV. That sounds vain, but whatever. Part of me really enjoys high intensity things, because they make my anxieties feel more normal.
If I’m on a rollercoaster or a stage it makes sense for me to be a little stressed, frightened, jittery, nauseous, excited, surprised, nervous, or overwhelmed. If I have bad anxiety while nothing is happening it feels wrong.
Most people in my life don’t perceive me as shy or introverted, and maybe I’m not. I just felt that way next to other performers who were much more loud, bold, confident, outspoken, and extraverted.
TMZ broke all the big stories and the other outlets would copy them. I was shocked to see how credible and accurate they were. There was a fast paced sense of urgency and pressure to break stories before anyone else. TMZ on TV shared our personal opinions, which gave the show a unique edge.
I totally trust TMZ, but that’s about it. Most other outlets are total fucking bullshit. A lot of magazines, tabloids, blogs, and social media accounts are filled with ridiculous rumors. Celebrities have to deal with people lying about them all the time. If you believe everything you see or hear that’s on you!
One time I heard a rumor going around about how Lizzo killed someone with her weight while crowd surfing. It was just a bullshit lie from some loser on the internet, but imagine reading something like that about yourself.
Another time I saw a picture of Paris Hilton in a white wife beater tank top that read “STOP BEING POOR.” She didn’t actually wear that, some asshole photoshopped that onto her fucking outfit.
Working for TMZ changed my perspective on life, news, and the media. They hired me to work as tour guide and cast member on the show. We recorded in the mornings, went off to our other TMZ jobs, then watched the final edit air in the evenings.
On the show a bunch of us sat around the office to chat about the latest entertainment news stories. They expected me to bring in some footage of celebrity sightings from my tours, but that rarely happened. It was awkward going up to famous people with a camera in the wild. I didn’t know how they might react. I never intended to be invasive.
It’s crazy how many people have kissed my ass or cussed me out because of my association with TMZ. Most days I came into the show with no footage, but the producers still gave me clips to work with. We took turns pitching stories based on our recordings, then everyone would chime in to add their own opinions.
Some of our chats evolved into hilarious banter while others flopped. The editors turned our conversations into quick little bits. We never knew what parts of the show might make the final edit. Sometimes our conversations seemed funnier and more interesting in real life, other times the editors and voiceover artists really helped us out. The funniest shit people said was too inappropriate to air on TV.
One time we talked about an actor overdosing then going to rehab. One of my coworkers said “It’s just coke. What’s the big deal?” We all died laughing, because it’s always snowing in Hollywood!
The producers usually gave me footage to pitch that interested me. I tried to call dibs on all the Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber stories. Most of my favorite stars weren’t discussed often. Nobody cared for my Flight of the Conchords references. I wanted to know what Chris Lilley and Noel Fielding were up to, but they’re too far out of the Thirty Mile Zone.
The TMZ tours were on public streets, so we had to deal with traffic, fans, stars, cops, and crazies. If we spotted any famous people, it was my job to interview them for the show. I had no problem talking in front of tourists or cameras, but I felt so fucking awkward approaching random celebrities on the streets. Some encounters were iconic moments of my life, but I could tell they were pretty forgettable conversations to them. Passengers would often spot famous people and I wouldn’t know who they were. It was hard trying to interview someone I knew nothing about. When in doubt I would just ask them their opinion on whatever we talked about on the show.
Some fame whores were dying to be seen. They would linger by the famous hot spots on the bus route, waiting for us to give them attention. If I didn’t feel like talking to people, I would pretend like there was no room to park or time due to traffic. They would get angry when I had the driver keep going, instead of pulling over to chat with them.
There were also tons of stars who hated TMZ. They bolted when they saw me on the bus. A few of them refused to talk to the tourists or cameras. Some of them cussed me out for drawing attention towards them. I think those people are fucking idiots. They just made themselves look bad. Why not embrace free publicity and use it to your advantage? They felt like TMZ was interfering with their personal lives and privacy, while we thought that we were helping their careers. Now I see both sides. I became fans of people I hated and hated people I used to love.
Paris Hilton had the best footage. She was always so kind and patient with her fans. It looked like she genuinely enjoyed taking pictures with people. Her hot rich bitch persona was totally an act. She had a much deeper voice in real life. My coworkers told me that she had a chill down to earth stoner vibe in person, which kind of surprised me.
I got to guest host some shows where we would talk about celebrities outfits and rate them for being fab or drab. I thought it was funny, but people gave me so much shit for judging other women. Whatever. Anyone with anything worth talking about is going to have people talking about them.
Arts and entertainment should be discussed. Especially if it’s controversial enough to stir up a room. Could you imagine if Lady Gaga released a new album and nobody talked about it? No comment about Seth Rogen's latest film? No response after an Andy Cohen reunion? That would totally fucking suck!
Lala was my favorite cast member from Vanderpump Rules. She co-hosted TooFab with me one time. We judged designer red carpet looks while I wore an ugly ass outfit from fucking ROSS. I wince at the thought of my Goodwill shoes and unnecessary extra buttons. Lala fucking slayed. I loved her style, vibes, humor, and energy. I didn’t know if I wanted to be her or be with her.
Back in the day I hosted a Vanderpump Rules After Show at Afterbuzz. I had interviewed most of the cast members except for Lisa Vanderpump. One day I went up to her at PUMP in West Hollywood. I introduced myself and asked her if she would be willing to do an interview with me someday.
Lisa snarled back in her bitchy British accent “No. Giggy is signed with CAA. You can reach out to his agent. Maybe he’ll give you the time of day.” Then she handed me her dog’s agent’s business card. I actually grabbed it, while walking backwards in slow motion. It took me a few minutes to process our interaction. It wasn’t just cringe, it was mortifying.
Whenever my coworkers pitched stories about Lisa Vanderpump I’d interrupt and yell “Why the fuck are we talking about this bitch again!?!? Can we talk about anyone else!?!” They would listen to me and move on to other stories.
Sometimes when I went by SUR and PUMP on the TMZ Tour bus I’d see Lisa waiting outside for attention. I’d tell the drivers “Don’t stop! Just ignore her!”
The other tour guides would interview her, but I would interrupt their pitches on the show. Lisa complained about how she did tons of TMZ interviews, but never got featured in the final edits. Lisa probably watched that show every fucking night in hopes of seeing herself get some free publicity, but she had to watch ME on TV instead!
Karma’s a bitch, just like Lisa Vanderpump!
I continued to watch The Real Housewives and Vanderpump Rules despite disliking Lisa in real life. It’s too bad we didn’t click. We both love animals, elaborate cocktails, and playing dress up!
Vanderpump Rules is the greatest show of all time. Even though Lisa is a fucking bitch, it’s totally worth watching from season one. It deserves all the Emmys. Lisa’s character is totally irreverent on the show, minus it featuring her name and restaurants. Just fast forward through her boring scenes.
In Beverly Hills I often ran into Real Housewives. I talked to Kyle Richards all the time through her car windows. She was always so incredibly nice to me. I loved her whole family! When I told her that she was my favorite she said “Don’t say that too loud. Lisa Vanderpump might hear you!” Girl I want Lisa to fucking hear me. Fuck that bitch!
Even though I watched tons of TV it was hard to remember all the famous people. Most of the time I wondered who the fuck we were talking about.
Smoking weed before the show did not help. By the time I finally thought of something to say we were onto the next topic. Timing my comments was the hardest part. I couldn’t stop interrupting everyone. I wondered if I might be neurodivergent.
People around me would get so beyond stoked to see certain celebrities. Even though I knew that we were meeting important people they didn’t make me feel any different.
What’s the big deal? They're just people. Rich, popular people.
Was I missing something? Or was I just fucking depressed?
One of my coworkers asked me why I looked like a deer in the headlights. Her comments made me realize how apparent my anxiety issues were. The lights were too bright, the sounds were too loud, and there were too many fucking people everywhere! My lifestyle was such a sensory overload. It was screens in front of screens with some more fucking screens. I wondered if I was on the spectrum and on the verge of autistic burnout. Everyone handled the politics and stress of the entertainment industry better than me.
I think that minimalism is a societal response to sensory overload. Most art and architecture got simplified post smartphones. Older things are usually a little more extra or over designed, because there was a greater demand for entertainment back in those times. Now people crave a moment of calming peaceful nothing. Humans need silence sometimes.
TMZ hired people with big personalities who said and did whatever the fuck they wanted to. I’ve always appreciated people who do their own thing, so it was fun being surrounded by interesting authentic characters.
Comedy has helped me through so many hard times. It didn’t take long for me to realize that most comedians are really depressed. If you can’t hold a “real job” because you’re an emo stoner alcoholic, try working in comedy! Laughter eases pain.
People slept around the office, but it was pretty secretive, compared to the other places I worked. I discussed bikini bodies and sex tapes while averting eyecontact from the guy I was fucking on the show. It’s kinda crazy that we
got paid to watch porn at work with our horny coworkers.
One morning a bunch of people were gathered around an office computer. They were watching Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Pamela Anderson sex tapes while drinking coffee. Some of the guys kept making comments about their “lack of performance” because they weren’t acting like real porn stars. It made me uncomfortable, so I went outside to smoke, and take a break.
I loved working with Harvey Levin. His humor, self discipline, and work ethic was next level inspiring! I was usually tired and bloated from binging Astro Burger after bottomless mimosas. Maybe if I ate blueberries with kombucha while working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger I’d be snatched and mentally quick like him too.
Harvey and I were both queer, but kinda secretive about it. Sometimes I’d make the gayest comments on the show and Harvey was the only person who would notice (or at least he was the only one who would call me out).
TMZ helped me come out of my shell. My close friends knew that I was a bisexual stoner, but I was still pretty closeted around judgemental family members. For some reason I had no problem talking about women or weed on TV, even though I avoided those topics in real life, especially around my strict close minded family members.
Sharing my thoughts and opinions at work inspired me to finally come out. My mom thought that I wanted to be bi, because it was kinda trendy. She gossiped about my sexuality being just another one of my desperate ploys for attention. Getting judged and cyber bullied by homophobic assholes was brutal. Becoming shameless enough to be myself was liberating.
Authenticity provokes repressed people.
I always knew that I was bisexual, but felt like I couldn’t label myself as bi without real experience. So I met a really rich famous couple on Tinder in the valley. They were looking for a unicorn which sounded like fun to me.
Alex was the heir of a famous fashion line and Dana produced a bunch of sexy mainstream movies. We gossiped about both of them on TMZ all the time. I still can’t believe that I met them through Tinder.
Alex was married to a woman for years before dating Dana. My car was so busted and I didn’t want either of them to know that I was poor, so I had my friend drop me off at their Toluca Lake mansion. They gave me tours of their wine cellars, weed collections, sports cars, and weapons. Since both of them liked women, they had threesomes with hot Playboy models pretty regularly.
Before we hooked up they asked me my age. For some reason I jokingly said that I was sixteen, because I thought that was funny. Dana freaked out and told me to get the fuck out of their house. I laughed then showed them my ID and explained that I have a weird sense of humor. Luckily I calmed them back down. They were both kinda soft spoken and serious compared to me. We got wine wasted on their boat before having a threesome, which totally confirmed how fucking gay I am.
After that I tried dating girls, but they all scared the shit out of me. Lesibans move fast. One girl introduced me to her mom on our first date. We went to The Abbey and her family just happened to be going to SUR and PUMP. The second time we hung out I met her friends, who said they were excited that she finally met the one. She was the last single person in their friend group. Everyone was so coupled up. That was some fucking Noah’s Ark shit! After that she ordered us the biggest blackest strapon. It terrified me. Girl scared me straight!
Dating in LA sucked. Everyone seemed way too into themselves to care about other people. One time my friend Emy came over to hang out at my place with our friends before a date. The guy she was going to meet up with asked if he could see pictures of what her friends look like. Emy sent him a few photos and he responded by saying “My friends don’t want to cross the 405 for your friends.” Emy still planned on meeting up with him later, but he stood her up. He ghosted her, but at least nobody had to cross the 405.
For the longest time I had a crush on my friend Cryus. It felt like we were the only people in Hollywood that looked at the stars in the sky instead of the ones on the ground. We both seemed connected to the moon. He even liked cats! People who care about nature and animals are hot as fuck. Sadly he had a girlfriend. It was easy to ignore her existence when they were long distance, but after she moved to LA we stopped hanging out. I expected him to dump her, because she wasn’t hot, nice, or funny. Maybe she was secretly rich or good at sucking dick. IDFK.
One of my friends said she was straight, but liked playing around with girls, which sounded like fun to me. We hooked up with no future expectations. It was great in the moment, but it totally fucked up our friendship, and made things weird.
I had a stupid little crush on one of my bosses at TMZ. He had a wife, but joked that she was just for the green card. His accent was kinda hot when he showered me with compliments. We spent most of our time gossiping while chain smoking cigarettes on the clock.
Getting involved in stupid third party bullshit was a toxic pattern in my life. Guess it was my weird way of avoiding relationships all together. There was too much societal pressure to couple up. If I had a crush on someone who was taken, that could be a good alibi as to why I didn’t have a relationship.
It was a great way to avoid getting hurt, rejected, or abandoned. You can’t lose something you never had. Honestly I think I romanticized third party bullshit after playing Marilyn. I don’t think either of us intended to be so destructive. Drugs, booze, and traumas can hinder people’s morals.
When I hear about people cheating or being mistresses I usually sympathize with them. I recognize that their actions can be seen as wrong or immoral, but those types of people have usually endured extreme hardships that led them to do some fucked up shit.
I never thought that Marilyn Mornoe was evil. She was an abandoned orphan who was sexually abused and taken advantage of throughout her short sad life. Drugs, trauma, anxiety, and depression dictated her actions.
My original love for celebrity gossip stemmed from having such a tight leash. Sexy wild slutty bad girls fascinated me. I continued to follow pop culture to keep up with my favorite artists. Many creatives have big dreams, but only a few of them actually go after them.
Being around successful goal oriented people could motivate me to finally get my shit together. Tearing artists down was never my intention.
So many people have asked me if I ever felt bad for talking shit about other people. To be honest, I didn’t really see myself that way. I thought I was the nice one on the show. It’s not like I was trying to talk mad shit about people, I was just explaining or commenting on whatever happened. Most people gossip about others, whether they’re paid to do so or not.
Okay, maybe I was a professional gossiper, who totally talked mad shit, but whatever. Maybe I was just jealous, because I wanted what they had.
It’s not like I was trying to destroy Judd Apatow. I want to be friends with him! Maybe someday we could smoke a joint and write a script together. He likes comedies and cats too! Creative collaboration was my motive, but I had the wrong approach.
Who you know is how status is measured in LA.
When I introduced myself to Stassi from Vanderpump Rules she said “I know who you are. You’re that girl that called me a bitch on TV.” In my defense Stassi won the title “Villain of the Year” at an award show, so I wasn’t the only person to have that initial impression. I actually really liked Stassi on the show and in person. I’m super inspired by her career path. Hopefully I didn’t hurt her feelings too much, because I’m a big fan! I love how she's a preppy bubbly blonde bitch that’s obsessed with darkness and murder.
There’s nothing wrong with being a bitch. I’ve always loved bitches on TV like Andy Cohen, Joan Rivers, Chelsea Handler, and Stassi Schroeder. I want to be a bad bitch too!
Haters make stars. Every successful person has people talking about them. If they don’t have anything to say about you or your work, that’s a problem. Just because someone has an opinion that doesn’t mean you need to take it.
I’ve watched enough reality tv and celebrity gossip shows to know that being a crazy fucking bitch can weirdly pay off. Do people make up lies, rumors, or theories about you? If so, that means you’re a star. Let them talk. Let them fucking talk!
My favorite reality shows feature people who create their own things. It’s exciting to watch their ideas unfold and see what obstacles get in their way. I’ve spent hours watching housewives turn into models, authors, popstars, actors, and business owners. Even when their goals flop, it’s exciting to see how they personally evolve and transform their entrepreneurial visions.
Fame doesn’t necessarily require talent. A lot of Hollywood stars have back stories involving sex, politics, lawyers, bribes, money, agents, or technology. I grew up around artists that were way more gifted than most people on TV. Sadly they didn’t have the connections, confidence, or drive to “make it” to that level.
I love seeing artists do their own thing. Dave Chappelle ditched Hollywood for Yellow Springs Ohio and Tyler Perry created his own film empire around Atlanta. I’m such a sucker for watching stars abandon LA or NY for random small towns. It’s a great reminder that we can be creative no matter where we live.
Most people who make it big seem to have a really strong sense of self. They are firm about their values and purpose despite what others think. It’s all an act for some people, but they are professionally fake with financial incentive.
Being on TV changed my relationships drastically. My day to day life wasn’t very different, but people altered their perspectives of me. Fame whores that never gave me the time of day, suddenly wanted to be my best friend. They thought that associating with me would lead towards notoriety. The people that I expected to be supportive never watched me on the show. My friends got jealous and weird, so they stopped opening up to me. They excluded me from all the tea, because they thought I would tell everyone about it on the show. It’s funny they thought their muggle lives were juicy enough for TMZ. Maybe they should have been more concerned about my journaling habits. Some people wanted to be friends with me while I worked on the show, but once I quit they had nothing to do with me. Acquaintances assumed I made bank and expected me to spend money on them. I was still a broke ass tour guide talking about show business, but my job was more publicly seen. Just because someone’s on camera that doesn't mean they’re rich.
Tour guides and reporters need stories just as much as artists need publicity. People spend tons of money on publicists, when they could get free coverage from media outlets. Successful creatives use TMZ to their advantage. Some public figures would ask if they could do interviews with me to promote their latest work. Those were always the best interactions. They were excited to get coverage and I was stoked to have footage for the show. It’s smart to collaborate, help eachother out, and be on the same team.
50 Cent was a guest host on TMZ one time when Harvey was out of town. When we cut to commercial break I yelled across the room “FIDDY!!! THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU YOU WERE FUCKING MY BOSS CHELSEA HANDLER!” The camera crew screamed back at me “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT WHEN WE WERE FILMING?!?” 50 ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. He said “I knew it! You keep looking at me like I’m supposed to know who you are!”
As if HE would remember ME? I was his ex-situationships secret underaged illegal invisible intern years ago. I wasn’t even sure if Chelsea knew about my existence. One of my coworkers asked him “Would you rather host TMZ again or get shot again?” Fiddy joked that he’d rather take more bullets.
I love Fiddy, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t admit it. He takes beef to the next level. 50 Cent's pettiness and trolling skills inspire me. It’s never too late to stand up for yourself or seek revenge! I actually really enjoyed my personal vendetta against Lisa Vanderpump while working at TMZ. It made my job way more fun, plus I got to help underrated underdogs get some publicity.
Being on TV had its perks, like getting free food and drinks all over town. Most LA business owners knew the power of the media. If I were to name drop their bars and restaurants on tours or TV shows that could be great publicity for them.
The Abbey was my go-to spot. I was friends with the owners and managers who always hooked me up. During my TMZ Tours I would stop by for a quick shot of tequila. I had a fucking blast living and partying in West Hollywood.
One time I saw Nick Jonas getting tacos on Sunset Boulevard while I was giving a tour. He hopped on the TMZ Tour bus and we gave him a ride. Nick told us some intense stalker stories. When he was doing a Jonas Brothers tour in South America girls kept sneaking into his cars, luggage, and hotel rooms. I can’t believe how creepy people stalk celebrities. TMZ may seem invasive towards famous people, but trust me their fans are much worse.
TMZ is separate from the paparazzi. They have their own camera people in LA and New York, but they also buy pictures and footage from the paparazzi. People often reach out to TMZ in hopes of getting publicity. Celebrities hire publicists to help them get media attention. It’s all part of a big machine that makes people famous!
I staged a little publicity stunt with Chuy from Chelsea Lately just for fun. I told him to wait outside by The Saddle Ranch on Sunset Boulevard. When I drove by on the tour bus I acted surprised like “OH. MY. GOD. IS THAT CHUY BRAVO FROM CHELSEA LATELY?!? TMZ CELEBRITY SIGHTING!” When he got on the bus one of the drunk girls onboard gave him a lap dance. I filmed it and pitched it on the show the next day. He was so happy to be back on TV.
Chuy asked me out on a movie date. I loved him as a friend, but I wasn’t interested in him romantically, so I told him that I was busy. Shortly after that he DIED. I felt SO BAD. Maybe I should’ve gone out with him anyway. He had such a great spirit and sense of humor. Rest In Peace Little Nugget.
During one of my tours I made a stupid joke comment about The Church of Scientology. They had huge signs all over Hollywood, it was kinda hard not to mention them. My tour bus happened to be filled with Scientologists who were outraged. They told their church and the congregation confronted TMZ. My managers called me into the office for a very serious meeting. I thought I was going to get fired.
They told me to respect their beliefs by never speaking about their “religion” again. Every time my bosses said “religion” they used air quotes. We made fun of everyone and everything on TMZ, but Scientologists were deemed off limits, because of me? I wish I could remember what I said on that tour. I’ve heard terrifying stories about people getting on The Church of Scientology’s bad side. I didn’t want to be another one of their enemies who mysteriously went missing.
My roommate Betsy got jealous of the attention I was receiving. She told me that she wanted to cut off my face and wear it as a mask, so people would like her more. She sounded like a total fucking psychopath, so I told her to move back to bumfuck Alamaba. In response she threw a bunch of ceramic plates at me, but luckily she had a bad aim. After that I broke my lease and moved in with my best friend Kaia, who I lived and worked with for years.
Kaia gave me a kitten as a present, because I was sad to say bye to Betsy’s cat. Giving people pets as gifts is not always the best idea. They require lots of love and care. It’s a big responsibility, but I’m so grateful for my kitty boy! Kaia thought it would be hilarious to give our black cat a black name. She’s a Star Wars nerd so she named him Lando, but she almost named him Denzel. My black friends think Lando’s name suits his looks and personality perfectly. White people get upset and offended over it. If I explain that my nerdy black friend named our cat, that makes things worse, and digs my grave deeper.
I can’t believe how many people make racist or superstitious comments about my black cat. I love Lando more than everyone and everything. He’s my soulmate. My ride or die kitty baby! He’s been by my side through thick and thin. Lando has been the only real source of stability throughout my life.
TMZ was surprisingly filled with nature and animal lovers. When my dog Freckles died my coworkers were more empathetic than everyone else. My boss Harvey was a vegan. He wanted to become a pescetarian to get extra protein, but he felt guilty for eating fish, because they’re “too majestic.”
My dog Freckles was my best friend and like a brother to me. He was hyper, goofy, and never did anything halfway. He had the world's biggest smile, it always looked like he was laughing. I could’ve had the worst day ever, but coming home to his happy face always made everything better. We danced, played dress up, and had elaborate photoshoots together in the wilderness. I’m an only child, so my pets have always been like family to me. Freckles had such a big impact on people. Whenever I run into childhood friends we reminisce about him. He was larger than life. Losing him destroyed me.
Around that time my mom’s longterm boyfriend Clark legally adopted me. Shortly after that she dumped him and ran off with a stoner surfer dude that she met at yoga. I was left in the middle and had to explain what happened to everyone. All of my mom’s breakups were such emotional rollercoasters.
Clark and his family continued to spoil me and include me even after that disastrous breakup. The whole thing was traumatizing, but now I’m glad it happened. They weren’t very compatible anyway.
Partying was my way of coping with pain. Binge drinking and chain smoking while snorting West Hollywood up my nose was fun yet destructive. Traumas create addicts!
Turns out that if you talk shit, watch shit, and consume shit, you’ll start to feel like shit. It took me a long time to learn that there are healthier ways to release pain and heal.
In LA I often hit Hollywood breaking points. After a long day of cringe worthy auditions or filming I would pack up my car and bail. Alone time with nature calmed me down and helped me feel grounded. Big Sur was my usual goto spot. I’d drive up the winding coast with black coffee, the perfect playlist, and a pack of cigarettes. I always made sure to bring plenty of bomb weed and comfy clothes. Walking around the beautiful rocks, plants, and waters was always healing. I got do whatever the fuck I wanted to do, because I was all by myself. If you enjoy your own company you’ll never really be lonely!
I accidentally ate a 100mg edible one night before filming. It hit me at work the next morning and I malfunctioned on air. The producers yelled “DANICA IT’S YOUR TURN TO PITCH!” I responded “WHAT?” in a Seth Rogan stoner voice. Then Havey said “Oh my god I forgot that it’s 420.” It just happened to be my favorite holiday, which kinda gave me a pass, thank god.
People kept making comments about my attitude and appearance on TV. They urged me to put more effort into my hair, makeup, and outfits. I simply didn’t have the neurotypical drive or energy to keep up the good work.
My family collapsed, my dog died, and my friends sucked. Plus I publicly came out of the closet which was traumatizing. It was hard to read all the hater troll comments about my personality and sexuality. I didn’t give a fuck about anything. I wanted to die.
Harvey came up with the concept of TMZ while drinking margs and gossiping about celebrities with his friends. Those types of hangouts were always my favorite past times. I couldn't imagine life without margs and juicy hot goss! Harvey ended up going stone cold sober while I was working for him. His ability to handle the stress of his job and the news really impressed me.
I got invited to speak at an arts event for kids alongside some reputable broadcasters. Sam Rubin, one of the best news anchors, was alongside me at the event. Before we went on stage he came up and introduced himself. I couldn’t believe Sam Rubin knew who I was! My mom watched him on KTLA every morning throughout my childhood! Sam told me that Harvey stopped inviting him to his parties. I bitched that he didn’t invite me to any either! We heard that Harvey would throw big parties at his fabulous homes and wish all of his guests goodnight around 8pm while walking up the stairs before going to bed. It sounded like a scene from The Sound of Music.
Sam Rubin had great stories and career advice for the kids at the event. My stoned ass told the children that any publicity could be good publicity, before losing my train of thought. All the professional news hosts, reporters, and anchors disagreed. I wondered if Sam Rubin knew that I was baked. Maybe we should have thrown our own party. A little puff puff pass in the parking lot could’ve been fun!
A few TMZ stories wrecked me emotionally. When Lamar Odom overdosed at a brothel we had to call some prostitutes to get the full story. TMZ has a fun comedic energy which was pretty hard to hold while talking about tragedies. I didn’t want to joke about drugs or hookers that day, because he could have been dead by the time the show aired. There’s no need to act distasteful or disrespectful while somebody’s life is on the line. Plus I felt so bad for Khloe!
Seeing her go through so much was heartbreaking. Khloe has always been beautiful and hilarious, but sadly you can see the traumas and insecurities brewing from within. Even wealthy famous people who seem to have it all go through devastating life changing events.
But at least hardships make us funnier. Some people think that dark humor is concerning, but they haven’t been through enough to know how hilarious or healing it can be.
I wanted to work on comedy shows to ease my pain. Those jobs were a strange mix of sadness and happiness. Some of the funniest people have darkest pasts. Like Bobby Lee! He was a total fucking meth head by age eleven. ELEVEN!!!
When I was growing up I loved watching Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes movies. They’re both such talented actors! It was hard for me to watch fame and drugs destroy the people that I love.
The story that really fucked me up was about Jim Carrey. His girlfriend overdosed and died. If that wasn’t bad enough, he got sued for it, because the drugs that killed her belonged to him. Watching my favorite artist get harassed, shamed, heartbroken, and exploited was rough. When we talked about it on the show I was speechless. It was exhausting having to urgently discuss people’s deaths on a comedic show.
I saw Donald Trump while I was working for TMZ. He was campaigning while I was rooting for Bernie. America needs younger politicians that care about environmental issues!
The United States is controlled by geriatric senior citizens. All of our political candidate options looked like they might keel over and die at any moment.
Most American politicians were born rich and have never struggled. They don’t know what it’s like to be sad, cold, hungry, thirsty, desperate, fucked up, or mentally ill. The people who are in charge can’t relate to the citizens, because they’ve never faced adversity, so they don’t know what the real problems are or how to fix them.
Even though I am not a Trump supporter, it was kinda exciting to see him. He’s the most famous person on earth, but don’t tell him I said that!
My friend’s sexy hot model friend acted like she didn’t know who Trump was when she met him. She was like “Hi I’m Stephanie! What’s your name?” TO DONALD TRUMP. He was stumped.
I’d speak up about environmental issues on TMZ, but my comments usually got edited out. I felt pretty morally conflicted about working for FOX during Trump’s big campaign era. It wasn’t aligned with my morals or values.
I went to Australia to visit my friend Aria around that time. Everyone there asked me about Donald Trump. Australians watch American politics in their bars and restaurants for entertainment. America was a joke and the rest of the world was laughing at us.
Australia was safe and clean compared to the US. That trip made me want to ditch the states for more international adventures. I should have worked on the show Summer Heights High!
Oh by the way Australia had intense political drama back then too. The country kept flip flopping. They made gay marriage legal than illegal then legal again. Those cunts need to make up their fucking minds!
All that political stuff was super annoying, because I wanted a vacation away from that shit! I overdosed on Hollywood, news, politics, and social media.
I don’t agree with people like Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, or Kim Jong Un… but I would totally have a chat with them. They are some of the most influential and powerful people in the world. I’d do it just for the plot. Plus I’m delusional enough to think that I could help them see our world from a different perspective.
America became so divided. People stopped talking to people with different viewpoints. If I only talked to people who agree with me I’d probably never speak to anybody ever again.
Such extreme political divides create wars. If we could figure out ways to compromise and meet in the middle some major issues could be resolved.
Religious extremists founded America a long time ago and the country is still operating on outdated rules and values that don’t fit our current world. Most of the laws and constitutions need a little makeover glow up.
I want to create a publicity stunt that helps protect wildlife. Famous people watch shows like TMZ all the time, because they want to see what others are saying about them. If influential stars were to give nature and animals space to live and thrive, they could inspire others to do the same.
Celebrities could document their conservation efforts through social media, documentaries, or reality tv shows. They could get donations and publicity through nonprofits and charity events.
When Kim Kardashian went vegan she inspired hundreds of thousands of people to do the same. Influencers should influence people positively. Most of them unintentionally encourage others to be wasteful and destructive.
Could you imagine “Kourtney & Kim Take The Amazon Rainforest.” Maybe Kendall Jenner could create a show about enjoying nature, animals, and tequila! It seems like she really wants to do her own thing anyway. I would totally watch “Khloe & Kylie’s Beach Cleanup Party.” Just spitballing ideas. I should call Kris Jenner!
Want to be a trendsetter? Why not create something that helps others? Let’s rewild ourselves and our planet. We need wildlife and biodiversity to survive!
I love the glitz and the glamor of Hollywood show business, but I hate how much animal cruelty it involves. Let’s figure out cruelty free alternatives for furs, feathers, and leathers. Can somebody please make a line of vegan dance shoes already? Kris Jenner?
I loved working on comedy shows, but it kinda felt like we weren’t allowed to make jokes anymore. It was such a sensitive time. My goal of becoming a TV host seemed pointless. It felt like that profession was generally dying off.
People would rather see their favorite artists, comedians, or personalities host shows. Someone real, unique, and relatable. Flaws and all! It seemed like everyone was collectively over the fake shallow materialistic bullshit. No more scripted cyborg prostitute TV hosts. I’d rather watch a chaotic mess of an unhinged yet relatable human being on TikTok anyway.
TMZ was unscripted and featured authentic people, which helped their shows survive. Most other shows, like E! News, had to completely change and adapt to the latest trends in order to maintain an audience.
The entire time I worked in entertainment news I suffered from creative fomo. I placed too many people on higher pedestals than I put myself. I was living like an extra character in the background of my own movie. I needed to become the main character of my own fucking life!
Maybe I could model, dance, sing, write, and take fabulous pictures on a beach in the tropics too! At a certain point I realized that I needed to follow my creative impulses, instead of talking about other people and their work.
I knew that my media knowledge would come in handy somehow someday, no matter where I went next.